My tween niece recently gave me a tutorial of TikTok, Snapchat, Facebook, monetized Instagram and good ole Twitter. She dubbed the lesson “Social Media 101 for Dummies”. I was grateful for the undivided attention, patience and access. At the end of the thorough lesson she asked me if I’d like to be featured on her IG account to boost my followers. She was utterly baffled when I said “no thanks I’d like to keep my account private, for personal use only”. She gave me a revolted look and in a curt tone stated “Auntie that’s dumb, you’re using it wrong”. I had forgotten how sharp tweens can be. She might as well have told me to take up a part-time job. Not an ounce of desire stirred in me as she reviewed some of the “notes” from our lesson with an emphasis on how much income I could gross if I followed her lead. Surely our desires were the same, no? She could not comprehend. Why the request for an in-depth lesson, the time if it was not going to somehow benefit me personally?
Then I showed her my website and asked “what do you think?” She scrolled, clicked, read a handful of entries from my virtual bookshelf. Her eyes darted across the screen with a look of content on her face. My sister’s mini me, whose diapers I use to change was reveling in being the teacher for the day. “Your opinion matters, tell me what you think Ms. Influencer”. She chuckled and responded “I think I’d want my therapist to be nerdy like you. Reading books and stuff. My God, you listen to people talk - I can’t even listen to myself talk”. We both started laughing. “Plus you played lacrosse so you’re all like a team player and stuff. I like that, I wish I played a team sport but I don’t like to sweat, and I don’t like people”. We shared another hearty laugh. “How come you don’t write about lacrosse Auntie”? I had no answer for her, then asked her if the invitation to write about her (on this forum) was still open from the summer. She consented. “No cap the future is virtual”. We spent the rest of the afternoon watching Syracuse vs. UNC women’s lacrosse on tv.
The major take away for me from the day was her “generational explanation” that anything made public on the internet is up for grabs. “Auntie think of it like your website. You have photo’s from visual artists, music videos, quotes from books. None of that’s yours - it belongs to someone else. Just because you name the artist doesn’t mean everyone else will. Just know it’s all up for grabs”. Did I know - but not allow myself to fully know the ways in which I repurpose art in collage form for the taking?
This poem by Dr. Ralph Roughton sums up the energy that I had present to me after reading Dr. Sianne Ngai’s literary work, Ugly Feelings. Enjoy:
When I ask you to listen to me and you start by giving advice, you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen, not talk or do—just hear me.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.
And I can do for myself. I’m not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
But when you accept as simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling. And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.
Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes, for some people—because God is mute, and He or She doesn’t give advice or try to fix things. God just listens and lets you work it out yourself.
So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I’ll listen to you.
